Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
