I just pynch a tree in the face
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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