I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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