the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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