I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think my tv is drunk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
