And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
