I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
