If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
