Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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