update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
