what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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