i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
