Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
