it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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