do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
