there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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