NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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