you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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