i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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