I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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