I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
