my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
NoShamevember. You game?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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