I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
