we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
