so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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