I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
