Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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