At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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