I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
God, I missed his penis.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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