The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
