I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
