so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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