Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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