the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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