Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
