oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
