Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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