Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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