I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
