I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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