i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
