I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
