remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
