I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
