I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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