My hand turned me down
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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