He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
