Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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