My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
