how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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