Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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