I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
