ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
