I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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