I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A+ Viking dick
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
