im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
