He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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