Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
