I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
